Storm Cloud

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As the school year began, I realized this was more work than I had ever done as a teacher. What happened to completing my lesson plans at work? What happened to bringing work home occasionally? That was not my reality. I thought having two teachers in a classroom would give me the freedom to accomplish some things like checking papers while she led the lesson. So not my reality, I had the worst behaving group of kids ever. Not all but 6 boys that had no business in a regular education or inclusion classroom. They were my daily reality. I used every technique I knew and learned some from other educators, nothing worked long term. I cried everyday from October to May. I felt no one but my co teacher understood the pain that I was experiencing. I felt inadequate as a teacher. I developed panic attacks every Sunday. I also took work home daily. If it wasn’t lesson plans it was preparing for the next day and rubricing bulletin board pieces. All I did was work and cry. I really didn’t like being a teacher and this was proving it right daily.
I often wanted to explore the new city I moved to but that was impossible with the amount of work I had just to stay afloat. When I did go out, my mind was on what I was putting off and how I had a list of things to do when I returned home. I began to crawl inside of myself. What I mean by that is, I began to stop talking to my family and friends.I stopped complaining because it was a waste of breath. I began to feel worthless. I didn’t like complaining but there was nothing positive I could think of. I would normally call a friend, hang out, get a cocktail and vent then feel better because I said it and made peace. I had no one to go out with that I trusted or felt comfortable with. I had to make myself up daily to mask the ugliness I felt inside. I wanted to wear sneakers and sweats everyday to ensure I was ready daily for whatever may pop off in my classroom but I wore my heels and slacks because that was all I had to make me feel like myself. I had become so low that I lost my self esteem and faith in the Lord. I couldn’t even pray for myself. I once developed a panic attack at work and had to be driven home. I felt like I was slowly losing my mind. I laid on the couch from the time I got home until the alarm clock went off the next day. I woke up thanking God for keeping me in my right mind. I could have been getting checked into a mental institute. I realized that I had finished praying which was something I could not or had not done in months. I slowly began building my relationship with God back. I an so grateful He didn’t give up on me when I had given up on myself. I finished out the school year not felling like myself but I was able to endure the day with hope that it would be over soon. The storm clouds were slowly moving so I could see the sun shining nearby. I made it through a very trying school year the worst I ever had in my 14 years of teaching.

The Beginning Pt.2

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On Watch night in 2008, my prayer was to gain my independence and finally do what God had planned for my life. I chose teaching and it was not fulfilling anymore. I waited patiently until the perfect opportunity presented itself. I interviewed for a position on my 35th birthday. It was a position that was very different from my idea of a change. I was offered the position immediately so I had the best birthday ever, a new position and a new state. Soon after that position was dissolved and a teaching position was offered with the promise that position would come available the next school year…..never happened.

Coming to a new state wasn’t necessarily scary, I was so ready for a change. I was tired of Detroit. I felt like I was on a platform and the train never stopped for me. I was not happy with my career, living situation or relationship. I know myself like no one else despite people telling me what was best for me. I was suffocating from the dictation of my life but that is what I once needed. I knew this move was definitely taking the training wheels off and the train finally stopped for me. So now I am in NYC alone but happy kind of. I was still in a career that I have outgrown like I had outgrown Detroit. I always said “When I leave DPS I will not be teaching anymore kids!”, but I ended up doing that. So although my career isn’t one that I pictured myself to be in I was determined to embrace not being in Detroit anymore.

I came to NYC on August 5, 2012 with a job and hotel room reserved for a month. My two friends Tonya and Torea rode with me and stayed until I was all set with finding an apartment and securing delivery for my furniture. I located my apartment at the end of my first full day. It was perfect for me. I didn’t know what to expect about living arrangements in NYC except small. My apartment is much bigger than expected, my own little Carrie Bradshaw apartment, as my sister Regina calls it.

 

The Beginning

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I decided to start writing about the different transitions occurring in my life. I will cover many different phases that I have been going through. Well for starters, I’m Tiffany Davis, I have relocated to NYC from Detroit almost two years ago.  It was a journey that I never could have imagined. It is so true to never say never. I used to say I can’t stand the east coast and would never move there, especially NYC. Well look where I am now, on the east coast and in NYC. I guess the joke is on me. God knows best and he takes care of babies and fools. In this case, I am the fool and He has definitely taken care of me. But at that time in my life, I was exactly where I should be and was not mature enough to embrace change and separation from my family. I needed them like you need air to breath. I hadn’t realized how much I needed them. I had a career in teaching making pretty good money. I was still in need of nurturing and had a lot of lessons to learn. I had to grow within myself.