Stop the Noise 

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Recently I have been feeling like my peace has been stolen away from me.  I want it back. I feel as if my kindness has been used against me.  Sorry if I begin to ramble. I need to express this feeling. I feel like my solitude has been disturbed. 

It seems as if those that are around me keep pulling me in a direction that I don’t want to go.  I am there for people in their time of need but this is draining my peace. I am there because if it was happening to me, I would want someone to be there for me. The problem occurs when I don’t feel the same for them. Let me explain. These are good people with good hearts. I just don’t have the comfort of sharing my difficult times to them to help.  I may express the situation but wouldn’t expect them to help. I have to be strong and endure alone. It’s tough but I do it with the exception of my family.

I feel so lonely living like this.  I want to just begin screaming. I have begun not answering my phone again. (I don’t talk on it much anyway, text me.)I can’t be available even if I am because of my peace. I like to be alone but who do I turn to.  I’m  an introvert and this has heighten since moving to NYC.  I never feel really at peace or letting my hair completely down unless someone from home comes to visit. Other than that, I stay to myself and enjoy life alone. 

During this period of self discovery, I prayed that things are revealed to me. I am finding that many people hide their truth from me. When the hidden part is revealed, they act as if it’s old news. I go with it to see what happens. See these same people that steal my peace and need me for whatever are the ones that are keeping the truth from me. This is taking advantage of me even if they don’t mean any harm. It is what it is. I need people to be authentic with me if they ask for my help, assistance,  ear, opinion,  time or energy. I need the honest and raw truth if you want me to be there for you. I’m not going to judge you but I will tell you how I fell. You will hear if from me and not hearsay. Maybe this explains why I’m guarded. 

I just want to gain my peace back. Any suggestions. I feel like confronting these peace stealer’s but then again just remove myself from their lives totally. Maybe I should start yoga or meditation. 

Thank you for taking the time to listen as I continuously transition.

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