As the school year began, I realized this was more work than I had ever done as a teacher. What happened to completing my lesson plans at work? What happened to bringing work home occasionally? That was not my reality. I thought having two teachers in a classroom would give me the freedom to accomplish some things like checking papers while she led the lesson. So not my reality, I had the worst behaving group of kids ever. Not all but 6 boys that had no business in a regular education or inclusion classroom. They were my daily reality. I used every technique I knew and learned some from other educators, nothing worked long term. I cried everyday from October to May. I felt no one but my co teacher understood the pain that I was experiencing. I felt inadequate as a teacher. I developed panic attacks every Sunday. I also took work home daily. If it wasn’t lesson plans it was preparing for the next day and rubricing bulletin board pieces. All I did was work and cry. I really didn’t like being a teacher and this was proving it right daily.
I often wanted to explore the new city I moved to but that was impossible with the amount of work I had just to stay afloat. When I did go out, my mind was on what I was putting off and how I had a list of things to do when I returned home. I began to crawl inside of myself. What I mean by that is, I began to stop talking to my family and friends.I stopped complaining because it was a waste of breath. I began to feel worthless. I didn’t like complaining but there was nothing positive I could think of. I would normally call a friend, hang out, get a cocktail and vent then feel better because I said it and made peace. I had no one to go out with that I trusted or felt comfortable with. I had to make myself up daily to mask the ugliness I felt inside. I wanted to wear sneakers and sweats everyday to ensure I was ready daily for whatever may pop off in my classroom but I wore my heels and slacks because that was all I had to make me feel like myself. I had become so low that I lost my self esteem and faith in the Lord. I couldn’t even pray for myself. I once developed a panic attack at work and had to be driven home. I felt like I was slowly losing my mind. I laid on the couch from the time I got home until the alarm clock went off the next day. I woke up thanking God for keeping me in my right mind. I could have been getting checked into a mental institute. I realized that I had finished praying which was something I could not or had not done in months. I slowly began building my relationship with God back. I an so grateful He didn’t give up on me when I had given up on myself. I finished out the school year not felling like myself but I was able to endure the day with hope that it would be over soon. The storm clouds were slowly moving so I could see the sun shining nearby. I made it through a very trying school year the worst I ever had in my 14 years of teaching.