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Backsliding

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Ok, I’m sorry, please forgive me. I have backslid and coming to you humbly asking for forgiveness. I was careless and thought I had made it and didn’t need you. I broke our covenant. I am ashamed of not trusting you. I realized I needed you. Then, it was hard to come back and weeks went on and in a blink of an eye, it was 5 years later. So how do I return, after being away for so long, my head hung low? I am so embarrassed as to how you will perceive me, do you even remember me, will you accept my apology? I know you were there for me. Can I make it up to you? Would you like to know what happened? The real story. You can make your decision then. Deal?  

After you were there for me during my transition to healthy eating and dieting, leaving the only career I knew, during the between time as I reinvented myself to getting a job in health care and began climbing this ladder, I left you. I showed up a few times but not in ways that mattered. Now I return asking for another chance. But this time will be different, I promise. I know you heard that before and is hesitant to believe me. See as I charted this new venture, I let work consume me. Everything was moving so fast. I was traveling for work and pleasure. I created you and forgot about you. I needed you but I fell into an abusive relationship with work. I know, I know, that was the reason I left before and you supported me. I swear, I thought things were different this time. But yes, I got played again. The abuse was so sudden and I didn’t want to hear the criticism. I began to feel so low and question my intuition. I went through it alone. I’m sorry you didn’t know. I had to relearn my worth, climbed out of this mess. I let some in but not you. I’m better now, kind of. Still working on that part.

I promise this time will be different. It was a long and hard road back to me. I didn’t see the warning signs. I let my guard down. That validation felt so good. I have never been validated like that before. I wanted it to be perfect again. The honeymoon was over but I tried to get back to the good times. It didn’t work, wasn’t going to work when the rules changed. Getting out was much too hard, our vision for one another changed. I began to let the threats strengthen me. I used all my inner self-worth to build myself up. Yes, the damage was done, I let myself go, I am no longer the same and continuously growing stronger in my Faith and regaining my voice. My eyes are starting to shine again. Can’t you see it!!

Why I didn’t talk to you because my language has changed, my view on life has changed. Do you understand me? I want to reconcile our relationship but move in a different direction together. I have learned more about the world and myself. We can go slow and see where this takes us. Yes, I will communicate with you.  Let’s build a better community together.

Transitioning Tiffany

noun

Backsliding

  1. the action of relapsing into bad ways or error.

verb

to go back to doing something bad when you have been doing something good, especially to stopworking hard or to fail to do something that you had agreed to.

Stop the Noise 

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Recently I have been feeling like my peace has been stolen away from me.  I want it back. I feel as if my kindness has been used against me.  Sorry if I begin to ramble. I need to express this feeling. I feel like my solitude has been disturbed. 

It seems as if those that are around me keep pulling me in a direction that I don’t want to go.  I am there for people in their time of need but this is draining my peace. I am there because if it was happening to me, I would want someone to be there for me. The problem occurs when I don’t feel the same for them. Let me explain. These are good people with good hearts. I just don’t have the comfort of sharing my difficult times to them to help.  I may express the situation but wouldn’t expect them to help. I have to be strong and endure alone. It’s tough but I do it with the exception of my family.

I feel so lonely living like this.  I want to just begin screaming. I have begun not answering my phone again. (I don’t talk on it much anyway, text me.)I can’t be available even if I am because of my peace. I like to be alone but who do I turn to.  I’m  an introvert and this has heighten since moving to NYC.  I never feel really at peace or letting my hair completely down unless someone from home comes to visit. Other than that, I stay to myself and enjoy life alone. 

During this period of self discovery, I prayed that things are revealed to me. I am finding that many people hide their truth from me. When the hidden part is revealed, they act as if it’s old news. I go with it to see what happens. See these same people that steal my peace and need me for whatever are the ones that are keeping the truth from me. This is taking advantage of me even if they don’t mean any harm. It is what it is. I need people to be authentic with me if they ask for my help, assistance,  ear, opinion,  time or energy. I need the honest and raw truth if you want me to be there for you. I’m not going to judge you but I will tell you how I fell. You will hear if from me and not hearsay. Maybe this explains why I’m guarded. 

I just want to gain my peace back. Any suggestions. I feel like confronting these peace stealer’s but then again just remove myself from their lives totally. Maybe I should start yoga or meditation. 

Thank you for taking the time to listen as I continuously transition.

Ending Blog 

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Sometimes I want to change the website of my blog. I began it as a way to chart my journey to fitness, then natural hair, to leaving education and beginning a new career. I felt like it was time to start a new blog. 

Transitioningtiffany.com was a way to show my transition in many areas of my life. Then I was wondering if someone will think my blog is about transitioning genders. Then I was wondering if I should just close it all together.  

I thought back to why I chose this title.  I am ever transitioning in life whether its fitness, my hair, career or self. I will keep the name and continue to embrace it. I am currently transitioning to learning myself and getting to know me again. It’s time to be selfish and evolve into someone I like and be proud of this new person.

Thank you to all who has been on this journey or those who transitioning in any area of life. 

Covering 

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​Oh, how great are God’s riches and wisdom and knowledge! How impossible it is for us to understand his decisions and his ways!

Romans 11:33 NLT

Everyday on my way to work, I pray as I walk to the bus stop.  I pray about everything. I have been so blessed to be placed in a position where I am growing, learning and improving  constantly.  I haven’t  been there three months but the owners trust and see my ability that I have been entrusted with a new hat. None of the positions that I am doing, I have ever done before.  When Bishop Vann used to say God will create a position for your talents.  I always wondered what that would look like in my life.  Now I’m living it.

I was unemployed for 11 months living in NYC.  I didn’t stress much I mostly prayed for strength when I would get sad or upset. I had plenty of interviews sometimes 2-3 in the same day. Mostly in education,  no one wanted to hire me for a position outside of the classroom regardless of having 15 years experience and a Masters degree in Educational Evaluation and Research. The interviews that went great would set up a 2nd or 3rd interview then nothing. I didn’t give up I changed directions in which I was applying. God provided me with work with education in a different capacity. 

I  am so blessed to be in God’s covering. I pray for covering everyday.  When I tell you God closed my eyes to some things that would have made me quit my new job until He was ready for me to see them. I  questioned why was I working here under these circumstances.  He has shown me that the Holy Spirit is shining through and guiding me so stay the course.  I have and was overwhelmed when I was called into the office and told about my new hat. My bosses were supportive when I freaked out and started crying after my training. They see a greatness in me that is admired. 

I love going to work even with the hour  and half commute. This time gives me a chance to pray, think, read or listen to music.  I just wanted to encourage someone to stay the course it will work out.  I came into my career as an intern an less than a month I shifted to a leadership role. I have been covered by God in so many ways. 

This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Joshua 1:9 NLT

Never Give Up

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Sometimes it is hard to walk in faith and believe that all will work out. I know that faith without works is dead. I knew I needed a job to sustain myself independently especially living here in NY. I prayed to God asking what I wasn’t doing to fulfill my end of pleasing him. I was getting weary and ready to call the moving company to come home. I was still interning and it was pleasing but it is 30 miles from home and gas is going up. I was called for another internship position and an interview from a temp agency.
I ended up with an afternoon position for a temp agency and two internships. My life was crazy. My schedule was on Monday and Tuesday leave home at 8:10 to be at my first internship from 9-2pm. Leave there to arrive at my job at 2:30 eat lunch in my car. Clock in at 2:50pm and work until 9pm to make it back home by 9:40pm. So in Wednesday to Friday, I left home at 10:00 for my 2nd internship from 10:30 to 1:30pm. I drove to my job and ate in my car around 2:20pm. And get home at 9:40pm. I was exhausted every night. My first weekend I didn’t get out of bed until afternoon. I was driving through three counties and putting gas in my car twice a week and paying a meter at my second internship. I wanted to quit and that was for one week. I had to endure because I was fighting for my dream career but I needed a miracle. I ended up complaining Janica one morning and felt bad after I was finished. I was being a brat and cried in my car before entering my internship.
I went in and was introduced to the founder of the company. He wanted to meet me before I left. During the meeting, he asked me to be his executive assistant. I was floored. I could begin that Monday. So I could stopped working at the afternoon job and my other internship. I would still be able to fulfill the duties of my internship within the company as long as I completed the tasks he had for me to complete. So just like that a miracle was waiting for me after I complained. My career is beginning and I am so elated. I just wanted to update you on my transition and how to never give up on your dreams. God shows up right on time and it is not on our timetable.

Straddling the Fence

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When you hear straddling the fence? What do you think of? Indecisiveness, not fully believing in God, the difference between good and evil……Well for me that is the space that is surrounding me. I am not straddling the fence but others around me are. It is a tough place to be in when you have little support or belief in your dreams. I have people who ride with me through thick and thin until I decided to quit my career. Yes, I understand that I should have continued to teach until I found what I wanted to do next. I should have waited until I completed class, got the certification and began volunteering. Yeah some of it I wish had happened sooner but it didn’t so I keep it pushing being glad that it happened.

I am used to people who believe you are supposed to have a job or career at the same place until retirement. Even if you get fired or laid off you find another position in that same career. It is hard to grasp the concept of trying something totally different than what you are conditioned to doing or seeing. I never wanted to be a teacher for more than 10 years and that was pushing it. I lasted 8 years longer than I wanted. 

I have watch all of these new unheard of, unorthodox career span out of this new generation. I’m not saying this never happened before but people building career and exploring unheard of possibilities. Like Facebook, twitter, Instagram, twitter, YouTube and so on. Someone or a small group came up with this innovation that we use every day. We see people who build all kinds of careers from making videos on YouTube. I don’t want anything like that I just want to put on events, major events with an audio visual team, staging, backdrops, table settings, chair covers, oh and a set budget. I have a vision of the type of event I want to conduct. I want the training on how to make sure it is on point logistically as well as aesthetically. I want the months of preparation to pull off the client’s vision. I am a Pisces so I am a natural dreamer. As a child, I used to day dream about different events in my life such as a surprise party, honors award ceremony, wedding proposal (not too much of a wedding unless it’s on a beach) 😉 that morphed into working backstage on the VS show, Black Girls Rock, car shows such as the Auto shows, educational programs like Steve Harvey mentoring, and corporate holiday parties, product launches and things of that nature.

With saying all of that I feel like I am living in a world where I am misunderstood for my dream and passion to become an event planner. I am not one who can be put in a box. I am a free spirit and creative person without the normal creative gene as painting, singing, dancing and things of that nature. I may be broke financially but this freedom feels better that suffocating in the classroom. I don’t regret quitting because I consulted with God and just waiting on His next move in my life. As I have discussed with Him before, I picked teaching and was left miserable and exhausted, so my next career will be His choosing in His timing. 🙂

Realizing My Support System

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My 39th birthday was about two weeks ago, this was the worst birthday ever. I was all by myself, I spent it with no one. No dinner, drinks, visits to just talk and celebrate my day. I missed my friends and family from home so much. They never would have let me be alone. This is the day to celebrate me. Yes, I received phone calls, text messages, Facebook and Instagram birthday wishes. But to be alone and long for someone to think you are special enough in there life to show you the appreciation. I did stop by my friend from home to pick up a gift from him. It really touched my heart that he remembered something I said during a recent conversation. I am so grateful for him. He comes through when I least expect it.

That small token made my day better and to dry my eyes and realize everyone doesn’t view birthdays as you do or have become accustomed to. The next day I woke up and decided not to wallow in my self pity about my birthday celebration and being unemployed. I am transitioning into a new phase of my life and the  more doubt I have the longer my blessing will be manifested. I can’t doubt my God and the goodness that he is doing in life.

My eyes are open to the love and support that I have here in New York. God knows what you need when you need it. The remaining week I received phone calls, text messages and friends here in NY expressing how they admire, appreciate and what I mean to them. I had a bowling party and was showered with love and appreciation. I connected to some that I haven’t seen often but they mean a lot to me and it feels great to know that the appreciation is reciprocated. 

After much internalization, were my feeling about something I am accustomed to or was it the growth of myself and expectation of others. I can only continue to be true to myself and be as kind and generous to others as always. It is making a difference even though it isn’t always stated. I ♥ my NY support system and friends. 

Encourage Myself

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I know in my last post I was very open and honest in my venting about not finding a job and going back to Detroit. I have cried out to God several times and cried in front of people that hardly know me. Once I cried so hard and so long that I cried myself to sleep and awaken with sore, red and puffy eyes.  In this purging I have gained a renewed spirit. I have begun to encourage myself. Gospel and praise and worship music is the TRUTH. That music always brings me back to positivity, hope and the strength to hold on another day.

For me to encourage myself, I began to say positive things to myself whenever a negative thought comes to mind. I will stop mid thought and say a prayer or an affirmation. I often receive rejection emails that relay a company have chosen to move forward with other candidates. I used to get mad and wonder why I wasn’t given the chance to interview. I would become furious for the positions that I have tailored a cover letter with the specifics of the job requirements and my experience that matches. I have begun to say that position or company was not meant for me. No matter how perfect I seemed to be able to perform on that job God is saving me from something so I continue to wait. I have also begun to screen some of the jobs that I am applying for so I won’t get those positions that want me to sale door to door. I will also make sure that a company will repeat the jobs name and a brief description of their company either through email or over the phone so I won’t waste my time. I have begun having interviews that are more aligned to a career or job that I am willing to perform. I have had 2 interviews with that direct marketing firm. I was very direct to say that this is not the position I applied for. In both cases, I applied for a customer service position. With the job description in hand, I highlighted how their listed position was very different from the position they were describing to me. I leave out not being upset anymore. I thank God for the experiences.

Every day, I have a choice as if I am going to let my current situation defeat me or I going to be thankful for the little I have. True, I don’t have a job but I do have my sanity, health, food, home, electricity, cable, and car, love, family and friends that support me. If I have to return to Detroit, I am no longer sadden by it. My blessing may be in Detroit. I remember having said that I never wanted to live in NYC now look at me not wanting to leave just yet. I am becoming that much stronger in my faith, mind and spiritual endurance. I am so thankful to not be where I was. I could be teaching still and on the brink of a nervous breakdown all for financial stability. Even with little money I am so much more at peace with my life. I am just ready to begin my new career path. My birthday is in two days, I wasn’t excited about it because of what I didn’t have. Now I am content with just being happy in the meantime, to see another year, to fight another day. Thankful for transitioningtiffany. My blog helps me to decompress a lot of things. Readers thank you for sharing in this transition.

It’s Getting Real

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As excited as I am to embark on being an event planner, it is much harder to find work. Most of the companies that called me in for an interview was falsely advertised as an event planner but they really wants you to stand outside the store and persuade people to sign up for something. I am looking for an opportunity but I will not stand outside the grocery store, DMV or any place as such to beg people to sign up for a wireless phone, cable service, or to win a trip. You only get paid off of how many people signed up. I am not a salesperson. Ugh it is so hard, so I decided to look for internships. They told me I need to volunteer. Now it is the waiting period of an organization to contact me about volunteering. It is exhausting. All I want is a chance!! In the meantime, I am looking for work in other fields. I am not ready to return to Detroit.
Also it is aggravating when I talk to people the first question asked is “Do you find a job yet?” Then the next remark is “You should just go back to teaching or subbing?” I could scream!!! No, I do not or will I go back to teaching. That negates Gods word on telling me it was time to quit. I won’t go back and that I know. Even though I don’t have a job and it is hard. I won’t go back to a life where I was suffocating. It is a job looking for a job. I can spend 8 or more hours a day looking for work. The internet never shuts off. I have many sleepless nights. I keep telling myself they don’t have the faith I have. It is so hard to not curse them out for two reasons. One, they are just concerned and trying to help. Two, they don’t know that is the first question everyone ask. Seriously, chill on asking, once I get a position or my circumstance changes I will let everyone know.
I am not ready to leave New York yet. I don’t feel like my assignment here is complete. I felt it in my soul when I left Detroit. I left a clean slate. Here, I have people who depend on me in ways that I can’t explain. If I go back to Detroit, I will be an evil Bitch and anti-social. I love my new life that I gained since quitting and my apartment is so perfect for me. I love the location, size, price, amenities, landlord and neighbors. At this point, I am running out of money, so I NEED a miracle. I have been blessed to be a lender. I am God’s child and I hold on to his promises. I think He is making room for my gifts. I have to stay optimistic.

2015 Year in Review

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As I was deciding if I should write down my thought on my trip to Paris. I thought about it being the end of January so why not review the year of 2015. This gives me the opportunity to reflect and share the up’s and down’s that has led me to where I am today especially since I didn’t blog much last year. So let me get started.

January started with me celebrating in Time Square with my high school classmate Kamila. We missed the ball drop but we had fun in the cold none the less. That afternoon, I took myself on a date to see Cinderella with Keke Palmer and Nene Leaks. The play was awesome and I had a great seat 3rd row end seat. I am very particular about where I sit in venues because of my height. Anyway, I said that I was going to take myself on a date each month as an example of how, where and the treatment I want from a mate. I can be my own example and enjoy myself in this single phase of my life. I also began to feel sick every day that I went to work. I was getting more upset with myself still teaching knowing this isn’t what I say for myself. So I continued to pray and concentrate on hearing God’s voice speaking to me. I have done this before but I tried a different approach and praised Him before I asked what I was supposed to do. I prayed twice a day.

February, I was still sick every day, masking my pain with a smile and jokes. I would break out in prayers while teaching. I would get overwhelmed with the life that I was living. I couldn’t believe that I wasn’t living life and it felt the same as when I lived in Detroit. So one night before bed God spoke to me clear as day. I was lying in bed preparing for sleep to fall upon me. I heard my name being called. At first I just opened my eyes and listened again. Hey I live alone. Lol So He called my name again. So I sat up and quickly realized it was the Almighty. So I replied, “Yes God”. He simply said, “You can quit your job”. I was perplexed and replied, “Are you serious?” He stated it again. So I said, “Ok.” And went to bed. I kept that with me for days to ponder on the thought of not being a teacher anymore.

March, I spent my birthday weekend in Manhattan with my friends Niesa, Renee, Myra and Ashley. We had a great time partying without having to take the train home after nights of celebrating. Two days later, my co teacher Natoya quit. So I was left to work a nine hour days with no assistance one week. Then, I was given a first grade teacher assistant, Katie. Oh, what a relief because she knew how to teach and didn’t need coaching. Thank God for Katie. She assumed the duties from my class and checked the papers from her room. I felt so bad taking her from her classroom. I also had a dream about quitting.

April, I went home for Spring Break, I really enjoyed spending that time with my loved ones. We went to Painting with a Twist, see Madea on the Run, Opening day of my beloved Tigers and of course Resurrection Day dinner. Upon returning, I had two dreams about quitting my job. They were confirming me that I was supposed to quit. I asked God can I wait for school to end. I didn’t want to leave my students to deal with having both teachers leave within a month. It would have scared them too severely, I had to listen to them question why Natoya left. I definitely understand how a parent feels having to explain to their child why the other parent is no longer in the home. I had to answer this questions quite often to 24 scholars regularly. I spent another weekend in Manhattan with Niesa. By the way Niesa’s brother had an company apartment in Manhattan until he moved back permanently. He went home to see his family every weekend so she had free reign and I was happy to tag along.

May, a substitute came to relieve Katie. Oh wow, I felt like I was alone. She was a former high school teacher but was fired for her performance around five years prior. She was just getting back into education. I had to teach all day again. I had several talks with her about her performance. The scholars demanded my attention more. I had a meeting in Manhattan one afternoon and was scared to leave her alone. Congratulations to Deanna on becoming a certified PLC facilitator. I was blessed with Niquita, a new aide for my autistic student Christian. She filled in the gap for me. She was definitely heaven sent. For Memorial Day weekend, Niesa, Renee, Myra and myself went to Atlantic City. We had so much fun! I definitely needed that time to unwind, we partied, shopped, and explored the entire weekend. Talk about being tired yet relaxed when I returned Monday. The following weekend I went home for 36 hours to celebrate my mom’s birthday party and help Rosalind move into her new home. I was also able to see my childhood friend and neighbor’s son leave for prom. What a month!

June, one of my closest friends, Fatima, came to visit me. She is always right on time. We discussed me quitting, the journey of life, and friendship. We really enjoyed one another’s company. That same week my kindergarteners graduated. It was a sentimental time because they were my last group of children I would teach. The next day I began to clean out my room for the summer and also began taking my personal belongings home. So the last day of school, I asked God “What am I going to wear for my exit day.” I opened my closet and saw my red dress. I laughed and said,” For the blood of Jesus.” So that day I had absolutely nothing to do in my classroom so I went to say goodbye to my coworkers. When called for my exit interview or contract renewal, I was nervous because the time had arisen. Ashley was in her classroom praying to God for my strength. She knows me so well because I almost signed the contract but I didn’t. The enemy was right in my face speaking to me through my friend LaToiya, the Principal. As I walked through the building for the last time as a teacher, I received so much love and support from my colleagues, those that like me and those who didn’t. I also found out that I was called Church Lady. I didn’t know they paid attention to me praying, listening to gospel music in my car and class. Many knew that what I wore to church on Sunday was my outfit for Monday. Crazy, right.

July, this was the month of learning that many don’t understand the reason for quitting, the faith that I have in God and even how I knew it was God speaking and not the devil. I quickly realized that my faith and belief is not for everyone to understand. I have my own personal relationship with God. Everyone’s walk is different and unique to them. So I began to not answer or entertain questions and comments about MY decision especially if they had heard me complaining over the last 5 to 6 hears. So anyways, I hit up some of the free events that was happening in Harlem and Brooklyn with Ashley. There is nothing like our annual kindergarten beach day. I also went to the Sculpture Park and WestPoint for Alain’s birthday with Jaime, Janica and Zakiya. My friends Aahlee Charles and Freddy had a charity event to support a homeless shelter. They had many guests from Detroit, Philly and Atlanta come support.

August, my good friend Syvine got engaged. He proposed to her through song at MOMA. How romantic! I went camping for the first time with Amanda and her family. I actually slept in a tent alone for the entire weekend. I spent 3 weeks in Detroit but I came for my 20 year high school class reunion. It was nice to actually spend time in person as opposed to social media.

September, upon arrival back to NYC someone spread a rumor that I moved back to Detroit. Not that it would be a bad thing but my life is in NYC and I am going to see what opportunities arises here or in another city. Rumors = Haters! Anyways, I had many interviews and they were not the right fit. So I decided to read my cover letter and one thing kept standing out to me. So with that I enrolled in a course to change my profession.

October, not much went on except my BFF Tonya came to visit me a little over a week. She hadn’t been to visit since she dropped me off in NYC. We shopped, dined, partied, and went to see Leela James, V. Boseman and Raheem Devaughn at the Apollo.

November, I was surprised by Rachel coming to Kieshia baby shower, which by the way was so nice with the Dr. Suess theme. The next week I went to on an adventure for the Thanksgiving holiday. I flew to Detroit on Monday. Drove to Chicago for Thanksgiving with Regina and Justin. I went to visit Rachel while I was there. She is a friend for life. We were there from Wednesday to Friday. I also went to Canada with my mother, if you know my mom we went to the casino.

December, I was gifted a trip to Paris, France for 7 days during the Christmas holiday. That trip was so surreal, Aahlee Charles and Freddy took me because of all the good deeds I had done for them since they moved to NYC. My sister Regina also came on the trip. We stayed in an AirBnB which was really nice. We stayed 2 blocks from the Champs Elysees. We toured the Louvre, Arc de Triomphe, Palace of Versailles, Muse’e du quai Branly. We also went on a chocolate tour, a gospel concert (on Christmas Eve), and a ballet at Opera Bastille. Of course we shopped and dined. I had some hot wine which was sort of like drinking sake. It was a beautiful place with cobble stone streets and original architecture. Since it was Christmas time and France being a Christian Country, many places were closed for the holiday. In most other countries holiday means vacation. So they many places closed on December 19 or 23 until January 7. We were also informed that Sunday most places are closed and close from 11-2 during the weekday. Go figure. Why can’t America be like that, at least close on Sunday.

So that was my year in review of 2015. I can’t wait to see what 2016 has in store for me in my transition. Thank you for reading all of this.