Backsliding

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Ok, I’m sorry, please forgive me. I have backslid and coming to you humbly asking for forgiveness. I was careless and thought I had made it and didn’t need you. I broke our covenant. I am ashamed of not trusting you. I realized I needed you. Then, it was hard to come back and weeks went on and in a blink of an eye, it was 5 years later. So how do I return, after being away for so long, my head hung low? I am so embarrassed as to how you will perceive me, do you even remember me, will you accept my apology? I know you were there for me. Can I make it up to you? Would you like to know what happened? The real story. You can make your decision then. Deal?  

After you were there for me during my transition to healthy eating and dieting, leaving the only career I knew, during the between time as I reinvented myself to getting a job in health care and began climbing this ladder, I left you. I showed up a few times but not in ways that mattered. Now I return asking for another chance. But this time will be different, I promise. I know you heard that before and is hesitant to believe me. See as I charted this new venture, I let work consume me. Everything was moving so fast. I was traveling for work and pleasure. I created you and forgot about you. I needed you but I fell into an abusive relationship with work. I know, I know, that was the reason I left before and you supported me. I swear, I thought things were different this time. But yes, I got played again. The abuse was so sudden and I didn’t want to hear the criticism. I began to feel so low and question my intuition. I went through it alone. I’m sorry you didn’t know. I had to relearn my worth, climbed out of this mess. I let some in but not you. I’m better now, kind of. Still working on that part.

I promise this time will be different. It was a long and hard road back to me. I didn’t see the warning signs. I let my guard down. That validation felt so good. I have never been validated like that before. I wanted it to be perfect again. The honeymoon was over but I tried to get back to the good times. It didn’t work, wasn’t going to work when the rules changed. Getting out was much too hard, our vision for one another changed. I began to let the threats strengthen me. I used all my inner self-worth to build myself up. Yes, the damage was done, I let myself go, I am no longer the same and continuously growing stronger in my Faith and regaining my voice. My eyes are starting to shine again. Can’t you see it!!

Why I didn’t talk to you because my language has changed, my view on life has changed. Do you understand me? I want to reconcile our relationship but move in a different direction together. I have learned more about the world and myself. We can go slow and see where this takes us. Yes, I will communicate with you.  Let’s build a better community together.

Transitioning Tiffany

noun

Backsliding

  1. the action of relapsing into bad ways or error.

verb

to go back to doing something bad when you have been doing something good, especially to stopworking hard or to fail to do something that you had agreed to.

2 thoughts on “Backsliding

  1. Maleshia

    I love this. It’s so authentic, so deep it’s real. I’m so proud of you. You’re so courageous you inspire and encourage me more than you know. You’re a great writer!

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