Storm Cloud

Standard

As the school year began, I realized this was more work than I had ever done as a teacher. What happened to completing my lesson plans at work? What happened to bringing work home occasionally? That was not my reality. I thought having two teachers in a classroom would give me the freedom to accomplish some things like checking papers while she led the lesson. So not my reality, I had the worst behaving group of kids ever. Not all but 6 boys that had no business in a regular education or inclusion classroom. They were my daily reality. I used every technique I knew and learned some from other educators, nothing worked long term. I cried everyday from October to May. I felt no one but my co teacher understood the pain that I was experiencing. I felt inadequate as a teacher. I developed panic attacks every Sunday. I also took work home daily. If it wasn’t lesson plans it was preparing for the next day and rubricing bulletin board pieces. All I did was work and cry. I really didn’t like being a teacher and this was proving it right daily.
I often wanted to explore the new city I moved to but that was impossible with the amount of work I had just to stay afloat. When I did go out, my mind was on what I was putting off and how I had a list of things to do when I returned home. I began to crawl inside of myself. What I mean by that is, I began to stop talking to my family and friends.I stopped complaining because it was a waste of breath. I began to feel worthless. I didn’t like complaining but there was nothing positive I could think of. I would normally call a friend, hang out, get a cocktail and vent then feel better because I said it and made peace. I had no one to go out with that I trusted or felt comfortable with. I had to make myself up daily to mask the ugliness I felt inside. I wanted to wear sneakers and sweats everyday to ensure I was ready daily for whatever may pop off in my classroom but I wore my heels and slacks because that was all I had to make me feel like myself. I had become so low that I lost my self esteem and faith in the Lord. I couldn’t even pray for myself. I once developed a panic attack at work and had to be driven home. I felt like I was slowly losing my mind. I laid on the couch from the time I got home until the alarm clock went off the next day. I woke up thanking God for keeping me in my right mind. I could have been getting checked into a mental institute. I realized that I had finished praying which was something I could not or had not done in months. I slowly began building my relationship with God back. I an so grateful He didn’t give up on me when I had given up on myself. I finished out the school year not felling like myself but I was able to endure the day with hope that it would be over soon. The storm clouds were slowly moving so I could see the sun shining nearby. I made it through a very trying school year the worst I ever had in my 14 years of teaching.

7 thoughts on “Storm Cloud

  1. Qiana

    Tiffany,
    Thank you for sharing this experience. It was very transparent which I’m sure will help someone who may experience the same, but with little hope that they can overcome.
    Qiana

  2. janica

    You are a trooper. I have felt the same way on many occasions. It is God who keeps you when you just have no more to give. You could be looking around but you have made it through when you are able to look back. Keep pushing. I believe in you.

  3. Jan edison

    Keep your faith in God! He is always there for you! Remember your Catachism classes at Straightgate! Keep your head in the word ! Spend some intimate time with God each morning! Ask him to guide your steps for each day and your day will be faultless free! God bless you!

  4. wow that was very touching and sincere. I really felt it. Although I am not a teacher I still feel your pain in other areas of my life. I have been there. You are very strong. Thank you for sharing your stories they encourage and motivate me and I’m sure others, now and in the future. God Bless you in all your endeavors.

  5. There hath no temptation taken you but such as is common to man: but God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it.
    1 Corinthians 10:13

  6. chris

    I understand so well and know many that has been in that storm. By me being a custodian I see the frustration teachers go through to prepare, teach and guide students to the next level. The good ones like yourself, spend more time, money and energy. Without ever getting real help, reimbursed or a day at home without 2 hours of work from work. Still I know you to be strong with a fight that rivals Muhammad Ali’s and a heart like Bruce lee. And with those skills you have come through the storm intact but stronger. For you to Journal your travel through these storms is just another way you show how you’re stronger and ready to overcome the next one. Keep the faith and remember God will always bless you.

  7. Tiffany Thank you for sharing. I indeed can relate to your situation. I hate my job! The same job I have loved for the last 17 years. I do no look forward to a break ending nor Sunday night. My kids are awful and I’ve never felt the way I feel about my students before. The only person that understands is also my team teacher (Lewis).
    I have applied for several positions and I just keep praying that God makes a way soon.
    Your story has given me even more faith that when the time is right God will led me in a different direction. I look forward to reading more of your post. I’m glad your doing better and you look GREAT! ❤️

Leave a Reply to chris Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s