Soul Sick

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Have you ever went through like thinking whats the point? Have you ever felt as if life was happening and you weren’t apart of it?Have you ever felt like you needed to get away forever? Have you ever felt like you couldn’t breathe? Have you ever had thoughts of how you made it through the day or how you were going to make it through the next day or task? Have you ever thought this can’t be my life, it has to be more to life than this?

My soul was sick, it was so sick I cried myself to sleep plenty of nights. I hated going to work, just the thought of getting up going into the building, standing in front of the students, admin making you feel like your all is never good enough, or speaking to you as if you owe them something. I was so sick. Most times I felt like I was in a play because everything became fake. My emotions, reactions, speech, all of it. I should have been rewarded an Academy Award for my performance. I felt like I was suffocating. I was my true self out of the building with my friends. I prayed daily for a change, in me or my career, or my mind frame.

Teaching is what people know me as. I’m more than that. I never wanted to retire from it let alone do it for over 10 years. This was supposed to be my starter career.  I know I was great at it but I longed for more. I felt it in my spirit that my life was a fraud. I would talk to my closes friends and family and almost no one understood the inner turmoil I was facing. I stopped discussing it because it was like talking to a brick wall. I prayed daily about my situation because God knows all. He told me in February that it was time for me to quit. He kept revealing it to me in my dreams. I had so many different dreams about quitting. I would wake up like seriously. So at the end of the school year I was comfortable with my decision to quit. At this point,I don’t care what others think. My soul was so sick. I needed to heal and teaching was a major source of the illness.

Each day since I have been having super awesome days, feel so much better, thinking what does today have in store for me. I feel so alive inside. I haven’t landed a job which is cool because I refuse to go into another situation that make me ill again. I sit up in the morning and talk to God. His will is the only way. So now I an idea that has just blown my mind. I’m still having a hard time understanding it. It was a thought that I came up with about 6 years ago but was just playing around with the idea in a conversation with a friends husband. I can’y get it off my mind. I dream about it. So I am moving forward with the idea. I have always heard the saying ” If your dream don’t scare you, they  aren’t big enough”. I believe it now. I’m ready to live my dream.

My Soul is Healed. 😉

Love My Kinks!

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As a part of transitioning into a new body, I have transitioned out of braids into wearing my hair in its natural state. Many people want to know why I didn’t perm my hair after I took the braids out. I had been thinking of this for over a year. I said once I lose weight, I’m getting rid of these braids and wearing my own hair.
On May 17, 2014, I went for a run around 8 am on this Saturday morning. After I showered, I planned to have breakfast then go to Brooklyn for the afternoon. As I was looking for something to wear since the weather was getting warmer. I decided to eliminate all of the clothes from my closet that I couldn’t fit anymore. I was on a mission after I finished, I had to decide what to do with them. I cried looking at all of my clothes. I love my clothes and I hate shopping. After cleaning up, I washed my face, looked in the mirror, and decided since I’m purging get rid of the braid, too. I called my Janica to inform her that I wasn’t going to Brooklyn and was taking down my braids.
I sat on the couch and began taking them down. I washed, deep conditioned and used a leave in conditioner in and went to bed. The next morning I was still fired up and decided to make an appointment to cut it off. I love short hair, can manage it better, and was ready to embrace the new Tiffany. I made an appointment with a barber in Harlem for noon and Janica accompanied me on this journey. Janica found him on social media. I felt so free sitting in his barber chair. He was kind and attentive. I was so happy with my decision. After leaving the shop, I was nervous of what others was going to say. I wanted to prepare myself for the negative comments from others. As the picture was loaded on social media, I wasn’t ready and didn’t want to think on it too long. Overall many people liked it, my biggest critic was my sister, Regina. She had lots of questions and I was able to answer them well. I was sad at first but as the conversation went I eased myself with all of the information that I held within.
Now a wash n go was the easiest for me, I am a product junkie. I try natural products and homemade concoctions. I will say that it took me about 10 days before I was comfortable with the face staring at me in the mirror. I had many days of walking past the mirror saying “who is that, oh that’s me?” I laughed many times at myself. I have tried different barbers and hair styles. I believe I am happy with my new hair style and my original barber in Harlem. I LOVE my kinks even if no one else does. I’m the one who has to walk around with them. Now I’m ready to experiment with hair color.IMG_20140518_203954[1]IMG_20140718_125228[1]                           

 

 

 

Running Woman

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This fall I decided to do something for me. I gave my first year in NYC to work, now I want to do something for me. So I always wanted to live in the suburbs and take a morning run through the neighborhood. So I met this guy, I was telling that I was going to focus on myself and do something I always wanted to do which is run. Running is so scary to get into but I was ready for the challenge. My friend was very supportive to listen to my hopes and fears. Well my friend was on a running team until he was injured recently. So he advised me to get a great pair of running shoes and sports bra. So that weekend I had a physical appointment, afterwards I went to the mall and bought two pair of sneakers and a sports bra. If you know me, I just can’t get any sports bra, I need something to hold me down and not hurt or bounce all over the place. So I headed to Nordstrom’s and found the perfect bra. I was set. I downloaded the app couch to 5K. I walked the park to map my route,

The next morning, I began my first run. I was excited and it was fun. I also made sure I was eating more often because working out you need your fuel. I never ate bad just not enough. I went to the doctor for my results.  I was informed that my blood pressure and blood sugar was Very high. I was shocked but optimistic towards the results. I was determined to combat high blood pressure and type 2 diabetes. So I ate more vegetables and ran three days a week for the 9 weeks of couch to 5K dropped 20lbs and diabetes. So no more medicine, I astonished my physician and we still can’t figure out how to lower my blood pressure. I still battle that but it is down a lot and I don’t use salt on any of my food. I am determined to not use any medicine. I still love to run and try to run 3 days a week whether it’s on the treadmill or track. I love the track, the air is fresh and the scenery changes.

Single and Satisfied……..For Now

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Well the title sounds like such a cliché, it may be for some. At this stage in my life, living a truly single life is the only way for me. I need to figure my life out,  career wise, location and spiritually. I knew when I moved to NYC, I didn’t want to date anyone. This is my time to figure myself out. I don’t like when I go against my own agenda or focus. I was the new eye candy on the block when I first arrived. I was very flattered by the response but didn’t put too much effort into dating anyone. I then was talked into online dating. It was ok but not for me. I met some very interesting men here in NYC but they were not my cup of tea. Although I did meet a great guy, friendship is all that we can offer each other right now. Such a breath of fresh air.

I need to figure myself out. I’m not interested in being distracted by attending to some else’s needs and desires. I have to put myself first. Selfish is the way things have to be for me now. I can’t stand the questions, who are you dating, why aren’t you dating, how are the guys in New York, you shouldn’t be single. Its a choice, a lifestyle that I am whole heartedly embracing now. Work has to be done on Tiffany before I will share myself, feeling, and space with another man. So Team Single is very satisfying to me.   

Storm Cloud

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As the school year began, I realized this was more work than I had ever done as a teacher. What happened to completing my lesson plans at work? What happened to bringing work home occasionally? That was not my reality. I thought having two teachers in a classroom would give me the freedom to accomplish some things like checking papers while she led the lesson. So not my reality, I had the worst behaving group of kids ever. Not all but 6 boys that had no business in a regular education or inclusion classroom. They were my daily reality. I used every technique I knew and learned some from other educators, nothing worked long term. I cried everyday from October to May. I felt no one but my co teacher understood the pain that I was experiencing. I felt inadequate as a teacher. I developed panic attacks every Sunday. I also took work home daily. If it wasn’t lesson plans it was preparing for the next day and rubricing bulletin board pieces. All I did was work and cry. I really didn’t like being a teacher and this was proving it right daily.
I often wanted to explore the new city I moved to but that was impossible with the amount of work I had just to stay afloat. When I did go out, my mind was on what I was putting off and how I had a list of things to do when I returned home. I began to crawl inside of myself. What I mean by that is, I began to stop talking to my family and friends.I stopped complaining because it was a waste of breath. I began to feel worthless. I didn’t like complaining but there was nothing positive I could think of. I would normally call a friend, hang out, get a cocktail and vent then feel better because I said it and made peace. I had no one to go out with that I trusted or felt comfortable with. I had to make myself up daily to mask the ugliness I felt inside. I wanted to wear sneakers and sweats everyday to ensure I was ready daily for whatever may pop off in my classroom but I wore my heels and slacks because that was all I had to make me feel like myself. I had become so low that I lost my self esteem and faith in the Lord. I couldn’t even pray for myself. I once developed a panic attack at work and had to be driven home. I felt like I was slowly losing my mind. I laid on the couch from the time I got home until the alarm clock went off the next day. I woke up thanking God for keeping me in my right mind. I could have been getting checked into a mental institute. I realized that I had finished praying which was something I could not or had not done in months. I slowly began building my relationship with God back. I an so grateful He didn’t give up on me when I had given up on myself. I finished out the school year not felling like myself but I was able to endure the day with hope that it would be over soon. The storm clouds were slowly moving so I could see the sun shining nearby. I made it through a very trying school year the worst I ever had in my 14 years of teaching.

The Beginning Pt.2

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On Watch night in 2008, my prayer was to gain my independence and finally do what God had planned for my life. I chose teaching and it was not fulfilling anymore. I waited patiently until the perfect opportunity presented itself. I interviewed for a position on my 35th birthday. It was a position that was very different from my idea of a change. I was offered the position immediately so I had the best birthday ever, a new position and a new state. Soon after that position was dissolved and a teaching position was offered with the promise that position would come available the next school year…..never happened.

Coming to a new state wasn’t necessarily scary, I was so ready for a change. I was tired of Detroit. I felt like I was on a platform and the train never stopped for me. I was not happy with my career, living situation or relationship. I know myself like no one else despite people telling me what was best for me. I was suffocating from the dictation of my life but that is what I once needed. I knew this move was definitely taking the training wheels off and the train finally stopped for me. So now I am in NYC alone but happy kind of. I was still in a career that I have outgrown like I had outgrown Detroit. I always said “When I leave DPS I will not be teaching anymore kids!”, but I ended up doing that. So although my career isn’t one that I pictured myself to be in I was determined to embrace not being in Detroit anymore.

I came to NYC on August 5, 2012 with a job and hotel room reserved for a month. My two friends Tonya and Torea rode with me and stayed until I was all set with finding an apartment and securing delivery for my furniture. I located my apartment at the end of my first full day. It was perfect for me. I didn’t know what to expect about living arrangements in NYC except small. My apartment is much bigger than expected, my own little Carrie Bradshaw apartment, as my sister Regina calls it.

 

The Beginning

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I decided to start writing about the different transitions occurring in my life. I will cover many different phases that I have been going through. Well for starters, I’m Tiffany Davis, I have relocated to NYC from Detroit almost two years ago.  It was a journey that I never could have imagined. It is so true to never say never. I used to say I can’t stand the east coast and would never move there, especially NYC. Well look where I am now, on the east coast and in NYC. I guess the joke is on me. God knows best and he takes care of babies and fools. In this case, I am the fool and He has definitely taken care of me. But at that time in my life, I was exactly where I should be and was not mature enough to embrace change and separation from my family. I needed them like you need air to breath. I hadn’t realized how much I needed them. I had a career in teaching making pretty good money. I was still in need of nurturing and had a lot of lessons to learn. I had to grow within myself.